Wicke's Xaositech's Guide to the Planes

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sciborg2
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Wicke's Xaositech's Guide to the Planes

By Wicke - along with subsequent entries

Let's dissect the planes and tell what they see, we shall?

And begininning at the top, by way of that grandest of Planes by names of Limbo. Swirly place. And scant pressures to withhold one's elf from it, that being such magical creation. You can create things there and then share. Pears. Pairs of pears. Pairs of pears on stairs for all to share. Right there waiting for you sit and snack on. Mmmmyummy!

Nextways round, clockdials, one find the deep darks of Gehenna. Fun crew there, IF YOU LIKE BEING HARASSED FOR NO GOOD REASON. Mount-ins, cave-ins, makes me want to sleep-ins. The natives'll use you as a thing to stick nasty things in (Swords and spears berk! Watchit with them thoughts!). Devil's playground, waypoint for war-wearing and war weary. Don't slip down the slidey mountainside, otherwise you'll be read all over the landscape. And those berks laugh at the news.

Upways next: Beastlands, with their creatures. Lovely things. I got a dog to play fetch with me once. At least, I think it was a dog. Might've been a cat. Anyway, it ran off with my things, which was fine because they wasn'ts my things anyway, seeing as how I got them from somebody elses cat. Maybe it wasn't a cat afterall. It may have been an elf. They all look the same after a while, you know berk? Anyway, fish.

Then we had: Elemental plane of Salt. Freshen your drink, you leatherheaded piker? No, then don't think you can keep it there! It'll suck it dryer than...something that drinks wet things dry. Like salt. Or Salt. Deer LOVE this place!

I think there was another one in there.

Next: Wow, there are quite a number of animals in here, aren't there. Get it? Aren't "AIR". 'cause that's where we're next going. Bird-flight and things-a-flingin' skyways. Fall up or down! Your choice! Swirly-swirls and their magic castles. All a-flight. Know what you're doing and you'll land alright. Though you head may be down while your feet are all up. Depends on your prescriptive perspective. And you'll get all happy when you do, since that's what happens to me when I look up (down) into the gaping (enclosing) void above-below me. Upsy-downsy berk. Upsy-downsy.

And then there was the Khaasta. Man, that was a bad episode.

What else? I'm sure I missed one.

OH! Right! That one with the animals. Elise-i-um. Nice enough place, if you're looking for nice places. There's a barnyard smell in the air that just clings to you. Between you and me, I don't think those guardian-nails are housebroken. But I say, if you gotta break a house, you go ahead and do it! Are we who stop to you!

Ash and Radience are next. But you'll know them if you see them. Just be polite and everything should be fine.

I'm sure there are more. Whatever. Just ask around, I'm sure you won't be peeled.

sciborg2
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Aahj! Sigil berk siglet!

Aahj! Sigil berk siglet! Cannot think past the planes without the city that's plain as day round the spire! First: acquire yourself one of them talking skulls and let it talk you through to the city. Quite important that, since if you don't get there first you can't visit the place.

Next - and this is a big one - actually go to the city. See, if you don't get there first, you can't see any of the sites.

Next - and this is probably important - don't trust anybody there. There are berks who'll peel you as soon as they wouldn't. The Hive got mixed up with the Lady's Ward and then they both went up to the Lower Ward and had a dalliance, then they had to go to the Clerk's Ward to

Next - go sightseeing! There's lots lost there and it's always getting overrun by those damn leatherheads banging and pounding with their symbol-speak and if you mess with them you'll be up a creek with the Lady.

Ooh! Lady's shadow! Don't go into her shadow or you'll have a bad time.

Umm...demons and devas and devils walk by. Can't go anywhere without witnessing some un-holy interaction. Well, you can put your eyes out. Could recommend some make it official. Then they had to go to the Marketplace to get a wedding gift. Of course, all you have to do is walk around the city three times - gotta follow the rules, you sodding addlecove! - and it's all offical, no matter what the scrivners scriv with their scrivvery.

Anyway, hope you enjoy the city!

sciborg2
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Downbelow, low down there,

Downbelow, low down there, where the planes grow sharp. Go looking a-field and a-cry for hearing the darkgreen, when the bloodspill reaches the forests of the Abyss. Bleary sun and sour harp-sounds, a plain of open wounds, open to depths unpumbled. A succubus caught in a scandal. A nightmare-nighttime stalker, seeks out a careless planeswalker, a juicy morsel for a monster. Rock steady oceans of blackest shades, toothful bitings things full up.

And if you listen to the Abyss depths...Gnashing wailing courage failing, heroes falling, heroes flailing, barbs a-flaying skin from bone, darkness sits upon a throne. Heroes are all alone in those many places of endless night. Ahh yes, The Abyss, where dark souls delight in endless fright. And if you're lucky, you just might be dead before the natives find you.

sciborg2
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Cagers faced them plenty. And

Cagers faced them plenty. And again afterwards. Twice before breakfast then again after lunch. Pies. Pies everywhere.

sciborg2
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Frankly, anything west of the

Frankly, anything west of the Grey Waste is a waste of time. Those leatherheads don't know what a real plane is. Take Acheromance or Arblazia. You do either of those things there and you'd think you were breaking the law or something. No time for love in war, and no brightening up those damn dark nights that drop like an axe on a chopping block.

And the Seven Hells or the Nine Hells are either too hoity-toity or depraved - and not depraved in all the good ways neither! - to be much fun. Having fun there just get you hit. And the Twin Lameadices are all "Work work work!". All craft, no passion, unless you think well made crafts are passionate, which I suppose some of them gnomes are passionate for. But they ain't passionate in the right ways y'know?

But the worst of all is that gearworks spell of a plane. Mechanus? Mechanot! Mecharotten to the core! You want painted hell, all gold and gone shiny? You want spirits crafted out of pure...logic. You can have your greybeard, thank you very much. I refuse to acknowledge the place.

sciborg2
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I chased that butterfly

I chased that butterfly across river and dell, I did. I danced the whole way and put as many pretty flowers in my hair as I could! I knew I was the loveliest of all and those Powers on Olympus couldn't tell me otherwise. Their worshipers are an alright lot I suppose, though they can be rather uptight when it comes to adding my own decorative flourishes to their statuary. You'd think, of all places on the wheel, the people of Arborea would appreciate a vivid color scheme, right? Especially in their temples, where everything was so drab and serious! It's all about the celebration of life! And joy! And color! And food! I mean, it's not like the Powers come down to eat any of it, right?

sciborg2
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What's a portal you say? What

What's a portal you say? What isn't! Why, just look around you! This whole thing is one giant portal, isn't it? The Great Wheel! And what's sitting at the center of it all? A cage with the keymaster locked inside. My Fair Lady. I would sing her praises if that thought didn't scare me so much.

And what does a Lady do when she's sitting around tending things? She opens doors to let some fresh air in. But doors are locked, so you need a key.

Of golden air and fair breeze,
the keys are gentle and bright.
Of fetid air and foul breath,
the keys are found in death

That there is just a thumb of rules, of course. Not like the big Three Rules, but more of a thing to keep in mind when searching them out. The rest is forwards enough. Door, key, lock, click, open, which it should do if you've done your homework. Or you've cheated.

Don't cheat.

sciborg2
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I can still hear the drip

I can still hear the drip drip and the clawing mad, from that place of wind and tunnels.

DID YOU SEE THEM?! THEY ALL DIED!

Shredded. Like what you might find at a food stall in the market.

Paranoia berk. Paranoia. Always shoulder over your watch. Always! ALWAYS! Because they SNATCH you when you stop LOOKING! Darkness and claws! AND TEETH! SUCH BRIGHT TEETH! And they bite!

And they bite.

But, I bit back.

I bit back hard. Harder than they did. Than they did.

And they ran!

AND THEY RAN FROM MY LIGHT! My brightness outshone their teeth and glinting eyes in that everdark place. The storm of that place couldn't extinguish the flame of my sword! AND I PAINTED THE WALLS RED!

I really must show you my masterpiece some time. I know just the portal to Cocytus to take, if you're interested.

sciborg2
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Astral, astral, astral.

Astral, astral, astral. Unreal yield, Githyannikikianna and her sharp silver and slivers deep. And silver cord slit crossways towards bad end crow-call eye-peck crying-from-loved-ones perhaps. You and you and I and they should watch where them are believe-floating across nothing, yes? Otherways, path-cross and sheen-silver of sword-sing sword-swing and bleed across acres of the should-be-absent-yet-not. All said, all told and all done, this warning this one presented: They of the holders of the Red Wing Flame-Fury riders by contract with she of the Five Heads-Prismatic should at all ends, all ends, be avoided should one wish to seek across the silver-nothing graveyard of the Absent-of-Belief Dead.

Traverse by thinking, for legs, of strength, of stride and of stamina mean little to those of absent body. Keen minds and sharp eyes count for more when the body leaves us behind in that void of moonlight-absent-moon-absent-light. Flight across miles with a mere thought of motion? Find yourself there, astral-ways, and you will find it easier to do so than it is to breathe.

And on breath? Where nothing is, nothing is needed. Air nor breath nor food-life nor water. Neither time is needed, for all time spent in absence is free to those of this void. Dreamers awaken and find that sleep has fled from them in the night. Not that one should ever be afraid to wake, but piercing the unknown with the callous-frigid and pensive could spill out. If one wasn't careful?

There is more, but I need to rest more than not.

sciborg2
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I facepressed with hands once

I facepressed with hands once, right to the eyes. Was it brighter than mere bright, the skies above Fire, neighbor to gimmerish Shine-polish (but don't let greedy hands nab any, otherwise the locals'll getcha) and the other, Sparklightcrash. With hands to face, I stumbled. Kindly sort helped and pressed deebplack to my eyes. Kept the bright out of my eyes. Thanked them with a scream and a nod, as befits custom, and tried to paint a bit, swordplay right? Naw, they didn't go for it.

Made kip there for a week. Not back, once your eyes went out and the rest of you had to take over. Really hot though. And full of philosophers. "Lighties" I called 'em. Solid bloods, really. Red and rainbow roads. Delightful mustard-shades and then into greens in the evening, if such a plane could have an evening.

Could've spent longer, but my portal was leaving without me otherwise. Should could might back go I there again, happen portal I upon should, black-eye me carry with though I would that. Are you looking to go?

sciborg2
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Caption them factions berk.

Caption them factions berk. Gibreg than file, them's them Ciphers. All act and action and thought no thought. Waterfalls, if you cop to the dark. Kipped up next to one and pikked down beside that ocean-river. Silverfish. You're a blood, so I'll please you from my screed on 'em. Let 'em do thing sing, right? 'cause they do, and do and do, nary a bother for all those befores and afterwards. Kip down and let that wash if you're right and I'm not.

Guvners! Right. Rigid. Spirits. Spirited. Away. By. All. Those. Crazy. Rules. Can't. Cope. Can't. Breathe. Can't. Have. Any. Fun. And there you do go do. Gold and silver. *clicking noises* And then *arms pinwheeling* if you know what's right and not. Back alleys though, they know. They. Won't. Show. Us.

Hartheads, as in stubborn as a. A spirit of fear. Caged. Loses and losses from chaos.. Couldn't tell otherwise though, since they're who they are. Trees and cages berk. Trees and piking cages. Forests a plenty. Hunts, vile vile hunts. And pain to innocence.

Decay and failure at the bottom edge. Falling sands, falling salt, falling Salt and falling Dust and falling Ash and failing Aria. Four of 'em. Standing tall and proud, if a bit decay'y. A right proper place for Those That Wait For It To All Fall Apart. Purchased more and trivial, but they shouldn't right? Since it's all gone anyway? My compliments however, if you can keep up that kind of pretense though, right? Compliments and complaints, all the same to them.

Mercyhunters and Killermerrys, justice can be so scary, right? Them's quite a sight in their armor a-red. What might you have said to catch their fancy fancy? Maybe nothing. Maybe nothing at all. They'll catch up all the same. And *slams a fist on a table* goes the the Deadbook. I get all jittery thinking about it.

I'm done.

Wicke
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I remember this thread...lots

I remember this thread...lots of fun writing that mess up!